There are so many things in my life that cause me to think about for far too long. I dwell on things that shouldn’t take me as much time as I do, and then make others based on sheer gut instinct alone. Hell, a good 70% of this blog is me talking to myself about a decision but framing it as if I am giving advice. In most of the situations, I know what I should do, but I don’t want to.
Take my photography for example. I know that I shouldn’t care about likes. I am also well aware that in fact I should delete my Instagram account entirely, but that is just never going to happen. I like people seeing my stuff, and my friends only seem to use apps developed by Meta. I like the little hit of dopamine that I get from a few likes every now and again. The answer to make me a better person is obvious, but sometimes despite knowing this, another option is also valid.
Instead, I’ll spread my photos around the internet like confetti and see what sticks. Waste my time doing all the things when I know what the ‘correct’ thing to do is — for me, at least. This expands into a lot of my life, I can never decide on which phone to get despite knowing which one I shouldn’t. I know I should really cut Twitter out of my life, but I don’t want to. I am sure there is some psychoanalytic name for it and some deep-rooted reason for this indecision, but at this point in my life I just don’t care any longer.
There are of course some things I know I have to do for the better that overcome this barrier. Eating well, meditating and exercising to name a few, that will never fall away despite me having a million and one reason to stop. But for everything else, I will continue to give myself a hard time about it, and that’s OK. I think.