It doesn’t take more than a few minutes for the uncomfortable feeling to set in. Tiny little pin pricks that raise in intensity while I am still. Prodding me towards doing something, anything, just stop being still.
My attention hasn’t wandered. I am not bored, if anything I love being bored. Yet, my mind will not let me relax before it is reminding me to not waste my time and do something, anything.
Playing games, waste of time. You should be reading or working out, or writing, or doing something constructive. I have to make the most of the time I have, don’t I?
This is not a recent thing, either. It drives my wife up the wall because I am so restless. Stillness is the only indicator of when I am really ill.
For years, I have felt like I have to hack my life to constantly be better. I need to quit doing this, maximise that, do two things at once. My brain only has two states, and constant rages at me that whatever I am doing is either wrong or not done enough.
Even when I am still, I am thinking about what to do next.